You scrolled past a couple’s anniversary post on Instagram last night. The roses, the fancy restaurant, the matching outfits. Then you looked over at your spouse who was half asleep on the couch and thought “We don’t do that anymore.” As a marriage counselor in Decatur, GA, I want to challenge something most couples have never stopped to question. The definition of a date you’re carrying around isn’t yours. It was handed to you by someone else. And it might be the very thing keeping you and your spouse from actually connecting. So let’s talk about where that definition came from, what a date is actually for, and what it could look like in your marriage right now.
Where Did This Definition Come From?
Most couples have never stopped to ask themselves where their idea of what a date should look like actually came from. They just know they’re supposed to go on dates, and they feel guilty when they don’t. Then when they do manage to carve out time together, there’s often this quiet pressure that it needs to look a certain way. That pressure didn’t come from inside your marriage; it came from outside of it.
Romance Novels, Movies, and the Unrealistic Standard
Think about every romantic movie you’ve ever seen. Grand gestures and perfect settings where spontaneous moments somehow always work out exactly right. The candlelit dinner where nobody’s phone buzzes, the kids don’t interrupt, and both people say exactly the right thing at exactly the right moment. Hollywood has spent decades telling us what romance is supposed to look like. But, none of that looks anything like your Tuesday night after work when both of you are tired and the sink is full of dishes.
Romance novels do the same thing, just with more detail. They create an emotional standard for what love and connection are supposed to feel like that real relationships simply cannot sustain. And when your marriage doesn’t measure up to that standard, it’s easy to assume something is wrong, with your spouse, your relationship, or yourself. When really, what’s wrong is the standard itself.
Social Media and the Comparison Trap
And then there’s social media, which has taken the comparison problem and made it even worse. Now you’re not just measuring your marriage against fictional couples like Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy. You’re measuring it against the curated highlight reel of real couples around you. The anniversary posts, the Valentine’s Day flower photos, and the surprise getaway that somebody’s husband apparently planned all by himself without being asked.
Here’s what those posts don’t show you: the argument they had on the way to the restaurant, or the weeks of disconnection that came before the grand gesture. Those flowers might have been a guilt offering, not a love offering. Social media shows you the moments couples want you to see. It tells you nothing about what’s actually happening in their marriage. But it quietly raises the bar for what a date in your marriage is supposed to look like. And when you can’t clear that bar on a random Wednesday, nothing happens at all.
The pressure to make dating look a certain way is one of the biggest reasons married couples stop dating altogether. If it can’t be perfect, it doesn’t happen; then the marriage pays the price for that thinking.
What is the Purpose of a Date?
Here’s a question I ask couples in my office that almost always catches them off guard: what do you think a date is actually for? Most couples have never stopped to define what a date is meant to accomplish in a marriage. And without a clear answer to that question, it’s hard to know what actually counts. The purpose of a date is connection. Full stop.
It’s not about performing romance or proving something to your spouse or to anyone scrolling past your Instagram stories. When you strip away everything the movies and social media told you it should be, a date is simply any intentional block of time where two people choose to show up for each other. The noise of everything else competing for your attention gets left outside. When couples really internalize that, the pressure of what a date has to look like starts to lift.”
Different Seasons Require Different Things
Here’s something else worth understanding: the purpose of a date shifts across seasons of marriage. In the premarital stage, Gottman suggests weekly dates specifically designed around open-ended questions and genuine discovery. You’re still learning each other. Every conversation is revealing something new. But in a long-term marriage, the purpose shifts. It becomes less about discovery and more about maintenance, reconnection, and continued investment. You already know this person deeply, but there is always more to know.
A date in year one of a relationship serves a different purpose than a date in year fifteen. When couples hold onto the early dating expectations and try to recreate them fifteen years into a marriage, they often end up feeling like they’re failing at romance. The expectations aren’t the problem; the framework is. What does connection look like for the two of you right now? Given everything you know about each other and everything life is currently asking of you, what does showing up for your marriage actually look like in this season? That’s the right question. And the answer to that question is what your dates should be built around.
A Date Doesn’t Have to Be a Production
Once you understand that the purpose of a date is connection, the activity matters far less than you think. But here’s where couples get stuck: they know the elaborate version doesn’t have to happen, but they don’t know what to replace it with. So let me offer a different way of thinking about it. Ask yourself one question before any activity: are we choosing each other right now?
If the answer is yes, it counts. The location, the price tag, and whether anyone else would recognize it as romantic are completely beside the point. A genuine conversation on a drive counts more than a silent dinner at an expensive restaurant. Laughing together over something stupid that happened this week counts. Sitting close enough to touch while you watch something you both actually wanted to see counts. The standard isn’t elaborateness; t2he standard is intention.
The Difference Between Proximity and Presence
Here’s something I want to name directly because it’s one of the most common things I see in my work with couples. Many couples spend every evening in the same room and still feel completely disconnected. Scrolling on separate phones while different shows play on different devices in the same room is what I call parallel play. It can feel like togetherness without actually being togetherness
Proximity is not connection. Presence is, and presence requires a choice to actually show up for each other, not just show up in the same space. The difference between a date and parallel play isn’t the activity. It’s the intention behind it. Are you choosing each other in this moment? That’s what makes it count.
When Redefining Isn’t Enough
Sometimes the distance between couples has grown beyond what a redefined date night can address. Maybe you’ve tried and it still felt awkward, forced, or surface level. Or the thought of sitting across from your spouse for an intentional evening feels more uncomfortable than romantic right now. If that’s where you are, I want you to know that’s more common than most couples admit, and it doesn’t mean your marriage is beyond repair.
This is often where couples find their way to a marriage intensive in Decatur. And what I tell those couples is this: a date night can reconnect you for an evening, but a marriage intensive can give you the tools to stay connected long after it’s over. That’s a different kind of investment. And for some couples, it’s exactly the one they need.
Give Yourself Permission
Here’s what I want you to walk away with: give yourself permission to let go of the standard you’ve been carrying and start fresh with a definition of dating that actually fits your life. The most connected couples aren’t the ones with the most elaborate date nights. They’re the ones who show up for each other consistently, in small intentional ways, through every season of life.
So give yourself permission to let go of the standard that was never yours to begin with. Stop measuring your marriage against a highlight reel that doesn’t tell the whole story. The most connected couples aren’t the ones with the most elaborate date nights. They’re the ones who show up for each other with intention, in whatever form that takes, through every season of life. That’s what a date really is. And your marriage deserves that definition..
Reconnect with Help from a Marriage Counselor in Decatur, GA
If you and your spouse have lost the rhythm of intentional connection, you don’t have to find your way back alone. At Faith and Family Empowerment, I specialize in helping couples rebuild the connection that sustains a marriage through every season of life. As a marriage counselor in Decatur, GA, I offer both in-person and online counseling to fit your schedule and your season. And for couples who need more concentrated support, a marriage intensive in Decatur can create the kind of breakthrough that changes everything. When you’re ready to begin, here’s how to get started:
- Contact me to schedule your first session
- Learn more about me and my services
- Take the first step toward reconnecting with your spouse
Other Therapy Services Offered at Faith and Family Empowerment
Reconnecting as a couple often opens the door to other areas of growth. At Faith and Family Empowerment in Decatur, GA, I offer a variety of in-person and online mental health services to support you wherever you are in your journey. These include premarital counseling, and discernment counseling. Other services include online therapy, Christian counseling, and counseling for affair recovery. Learn more by visiting my about, blog, or FAQ pages today!
About the Author
William Hemphill is a seasoned therapist in Decatur, GA, with over twenty years of experience helping couples navigate the demands of marriage across every season of life. As both a licensed therapist and ordained pastor, William brings a unique and compassionate perspective to the everyday challenges couples face. He is the founder of Faith and Family Empowerment and is deeply committed to helping couples find connection in the ordinary moments as much as the extraordinary ones. Whether you’re in the thick of raising kids, navigating the empty nest, or simply trying to find your way back to each other, William offers personalized, faith-informed support every step of the way. If you’re looking for a marriage counselor in Decatur, GA who understands the real rhythms of married life, William is here to help.